Well this is my first post in this new blog about reality creation. I had quite a few things that I wanted to write about but something happened today that I need to write about…
I knew this guy called Alex from secondary school; so, from the age of 11 (he was in my class for 5 years). As Bridport is a small town and we both live in it, I saw him quite often over the years and invited him to my parties etc. He was a really nice guy, a genuine person who my dad thought of as a “gentle giant”.
Anyway, over the last 2 years he became a severe alcoholic. I don’t mean drinking wine/beer every night like some boozers, I mean living rough, not being able to walk when drunk, being aggressive, pissing himself, having incoherent paranoid rants etc. I saw him a month or so ago like this by a little bridge near my house that I walk over with my son on the way to school. Anyway, I had a long talk to him then and offered to help him, but he was a bit incoherent and didn’t take me up on my offer.
Last night, whilst I was at Aikido, he came round and asked to talk to me and Helen let him in. He was blind drunk and fell asleep on the sofa. When I got back I took a bath and thought about what to do. I could’ve booted him out or called the police but it might have been too much fuss and I thought that this was an opportunity to help him and learn something myself. So I woke him up and showed him where the loo was and talked to him about his recent life, but he was pretty incoherent. Anyway, I let him stay the night on the sofa (I was paranoid about this, believe me) and got him to leave at 7:30 this morning so that I could get the boys up and ready for school.
On the way to school, he was at the bridge, and on my way back home he asked me to go to his ex-wife’s and see if she would let him stay there tonight. I went and talked to her but she said that he’d blown it with her and couldn’t stay. So I went back to talk to him but he wasn’t there, although his bag was. I waited for a while and heard him throwing up into the river somewhere nearby. Not wanting to try to talk to him in this state, I left…
So later in the day I saw the path cordoned off and police cars parked. I talked to one of the policemen and he couldn’t say much (due to the sensitivity of the matter) but I just had this horrible feeling that I knew what it was about. So I said, “Is it an incident involving a local alcoholic, 31, wearing these clothes etc”?. He said yes and was sorry to tell me that the man was found floating dead in the river!
Naturally this shocked me, as I had just seen him that morning and been trying to help him out. Maybe he fell in drunk or committed suicide. Whatever, it’s a pretty horrible thing and it has left me with lots of “What Ifs”. I called my dad and he said I can’t blame myself as he made his own choices, but I’m left with this feeling that maybe I could have done more somehow – it’s horrible.
I needed to write this to help me work through it because I haven’t been able to talk to anyone else yet. Also, I wanted to warn those of you that drink a lot to think very carefully about your behaviour and ask yourself if you are OK, because it’s a dangerous thing, alcohol, and it can be a very slippery slope indeed! (pun *not* intended)
I don’t know if I should go T-total now or get pissed tonight and play “Have a drink on me” by ACDC…
Also, there is more to this story… last night I had a nightmare, and I don’t get nightmares very often. Alex was in it, and I remember seeing him lying down and then being carried by someone, but I don’t remember anything else because the nightmare moved on to other things. It was the kind of nightmare where you are walking around your own house and very strange stuff is happening and you don’t know if you are awake or dreaming. In the dream I remember being in my kitchen which was full or weird organic matter (which I associated with Alex, thinking it was some kind of vomit, but more than that, it was some kind of organic excretion from him, it’s hard to describe really.) Here’s the kicker, the kitchen was also full of water and I remember sort of crouching in it holding one of the kitchen surfaces and thinking, “this water feels too real, I cannot be dreaming”. Later in the nightmare, due to this event and others, I was telling Helen that I had gone insane (I was truly horrified at my own brain) because of the things that I’d seen which couldn’t be real. Then she laughed in my face manically like a monster, and I woke up suddenly. At that point I felt huge relief that it was just a dream and went back to sleep soundly, not being the kind of person to dwell on bad dreams and let them affect me.
So then, was this some kind of odd premonition? Should I go on an anti-alcohol crusade or try to get more help for complete addicts? What is it teaching me about life and indeed reality creation? I need to dwell on this…
Another slightly odd thing is that a while ago I put down Alex on my reality creation list because I wanted to get back £4 he owed Helen. This was just an experiment really. Anyway, when I met him on the bridge a month or so ago, he was clearly out of it, and so I decided to forget the £4 and cross it off my list; but I left Alex on the list and changed the line so that it read “Alex has sorted himself out.” He actually gave Helen the £4 back last night unprompted and today I spent it on two wholefood pasties, some domestos and a scratch card. Also, I looked at my list this morning, before I knew what had happened, and thought about seeing Alex happy and positive again. In a way he has sorted himself out. He kept telling me how scared he was; scared of what had happened to him and where he was going to sleep that night. Now he has no reason to be scared anymore as sleep is irrelevant. I hope that his energy is free now and that he is happy again. Good luck Alex!
Wow, that’s quite a tale.
I wasn’t sure whether to read the blog immediately, due to the ominous title, but it felt instinctively right to do so, and I’m glad I did.
My immediate thought is that it was obviously Alex’s choice to act as he did, and only he was responsible for that choice.
You did your very best for him, and I think it is so good that he spent his last night with a great friend, one who showed him unconditional love, kindness and true friendship.
I also think that the fact he came to stay with you showed how much he valued your friendship (even on an unconscious level). He obviously didn’t want to be a burden on you, but instinctively knew that you would be the person most able to understand and support him when he needed it most, and also able to deal with the subsequent consequences of his actions.
I must say that I’ve also found this to be a strangely intense day, and this has prompted me to decide to “follow my bliss” from the moment I got up.
What this means is that today I have been doing whatever inspires and moves me, rather than blindly continueing to do what I usually feel that I should do, have to do, or really ought to do.
It’s strange how we can cling onto the philosophy of struggle, effort and resistance. That path leads nowhere, and yet we seem conditioned to follow it, trying to scheme, plan and push our way ahead.
The result is that I am having a quite amazing day.
[Please continue to read about my day on my own Blog]
I felt it was appropriate to talk about my day here because I’m sure my experience is somehow pertinent and relevent to Jake’s experience.
It is not for me to fathom or explain how, right now, but I feel this is so.
Alex, rest in peace. Jake, you have shown yourself to be a worthy friend.
Comment by kitglaisyer — September 12, 2006 @ 5:38 pm
Thanks Kit, I look forward to reading your blog in a minute. Alex kept telling me how sorry he was and how embarrassed he felt, but I said that I didn’t mind. He said that he had a really good night’s sleep and needed it. When I saw him last he kept shaking my hand, thanking me and putting his thumb up at me. I’m glad that I was guided to show him some kindness on his last night and morning – I even gave him an organic pear to eat for breakfast (but I don’t know if he ever did.)
Comment by Jake Birkett — September 12, 2006 @ 5:48 pm
What sad and depressing news.
I knew Alex too at school, although we weren’t close friends. Nevertheless he always greeted me in a friendly way, whatever he was doing. I really admired that quality, it was refreshing at school as most people just wanted to kick me in the head or play the popularity game.
Later on and until very recently he still recognised me and gave me a friendly hello. I’m really sorry to hear he was experiencing such a scary and precarious existance.
Good on you Alex, I will miss you.
Comment by Will — September 12, 2006 @ 6:28 pm
There seems to me to be a feeling of things coming to rest where they belong with this sad story of Alex.
Folks close to death sometimes have a funny way of ‘putting things right’ with various people before they go, whether they do so intentionally or just begin to subconsciously see the ‘EXIT’ sign looming in the distance.
Alex made a point of telling me that despite everything, he still loved his (ex) wife. A message I will try to pass on to her in the best way I can at some point.
He returned my money to me, not because I needed it (I made that clear) but as a point of honour and integrity. So I accepted it as such. I also had a strong feeling, even at this point, that he was trying to tidy up his affairs.
Another thing he kept saying was ‘whatever happens, don’t apologise.’ Take from that what you will.
He spoke at length to a good friend, Jake, about his problems and also about happier times. He left smiling.
We don’t know what happened at the river, but it was a beautiful natural place Alex loved where people often stopped to say hello to him. Bridges are the transition to new beginnings, a place to cross over.
I feel certain that Alex is peaceful on the next leg of his journey.
Comment by Helen — September 13, 2006 @ 12:06 pm
That’s really nice Helen, and an insightful way to look at things. Thanks.
Comment by greyaliengames — September 13, 2006 @ 12:40 pm
Oh I remembered one other thing – Alex mentioned that he had been to church recently even though he was not a religious man, and that a lot of the things the vicar was saying made a good sense to him.
I think it’s unusual for someone to ‘find themselves’ in church so it sounds as though he went there looking for something and may have found it.
That’s something else to be grateful for.
Comment by Helen — September 14, 2006 @ 8:52 am
Yes, when I was talking to him and he said he’d been at Pilsdon, so I asked him if he’d been to the church. He said that he went there on Sunday and that what the vicar said made a lot of sense to him (he seemed quite amazed by it), but he didn’t elaborate. I suggested that he should go back when he got a chance. He said he didn’t believe in God and I said that God (meaning the Universe) still believes in him though.
Comment by greyaliengames — September 14, 2006 @ 9:53 am
[...] So it’s been a few days since Alex died and I’ve been invited to his funeral next week. The day after his “passing” (because it is not an end), as Sensei Kolesnikov says, I actually felt a lot better due to the support that I received from friends and family, and the Universe, of course. I came to realise that I had shown Alex some compassion and made his last night in this realm comfortable – and that this was a positive thing. He was more like his old positive self in the morning and this was how I had been visualising him for the last few months, since I found out about his problem. [...]
Pingback by Alex and Universal Inspiration « My reality creation diary — September 15, 2006 @ 1:26 pm
I had heard about what you wrote in this blog from another source and thought at the time how nice it was that Alex had a good friend to talk to and a comfortable, warm last night. I can relate to Alex’s being scared of what was becoming of him as you will no doubt understand Jake.
I hadn’t thought too much about this whole incident for a little while but reading this blog today by accident (I was bored at work and decided to visit your website which is where I found the link) I have been reminded of something about the death of my good friend Jeremy which has always troubled me. I also have a ‘what if’ going around in my head that I have not been able to talk to anybody about. Maybe when we next meet i’ll chat to you about it as you’ve clearly been through the same thought process as I have.
Comment by Jason F — December 22, 2006 @ 2:49 pm
Hi Jason, yes by all means talk to me about it. I have resolved the “what if” issue in my head with the help of support and if I can help you (to help yourself) too then that would be great!
Comment by greyaliengames — December 22, 2006 @ 4:34 pm
I have often thought how this has effected you, being his friend, and also the last person to see him alive.
It must have been tremendously difficult for you. I, like you, new Alex and am the same age as him. But had not seen him for about 18 months until just before he died. Funnily enough the week before he died I was talking to a good friend of his about how he had demised in appearance and asked what was wrong with him, he looked awful, I was shocked. I wish I had never said it as the next week he was found in the river!
Dont blame yourself Jake, a lot of people had tried to help Alex, but in the end he had to do it for him self. Unfortunatley he did not have the strength.
x v x
Comment by sprockley — January 31, 2007 @ 10:59 pm
Thanks sprockley. Yeah it was shocking and I, like others, wish there was more I could have done to help him. But you are right, people have to help themselves also. Try to remember Alex as the way he used to be, see him smiling and joyful
Comment by greyaliengames — January 31, 2007 @ 11:41 pm